Excerpt: Epic, the Continuing Tales of Binyamin the Insane
In a parish…
Perhaps one may have heard of the butterfly effect. Perhaps one mayn’t. It matters not one whit. What does in fact matter was there was a butterfly sipping nectar from a Tiger Lily in a garden outside a certain cottage. Said cottage in question had a massive head from a deceased monster crushing it. Said butterfly was creeped out by the sound of the ichor splattering off the head and down onto the paving stones of the walkway leading up to the cottage and fluttered off in a frantic path of zigs and zags. In her flight she managed to careen off of a rose, startling a honey bee.
Incensed at being interrupted in her job of collecting nectar for the hive, the bee came buzzing out, furious. Not finding anything nearby to sting, she flew off, bouncing off the forehead of a man bent over a tiny blonde (and quite battered) woman lying on the ground at his feet. The bee’s flight path changed. She flew in front of a crow who took a quick snap at the potential snack presented before his beak. He missed the bee but not before he flew into the hind end of an enchanted horse that had heretofore been standing in a stupor where her rider had left her. Catching a beak upside a very tender private region was just the ticket to snap her out of the spell of submissiveness she had been placed under. Her eyes opened wide as she noticed the smell of multiple dragons in close proximity to herself. Terrified, she bolted.
She ran for quite some time before, winded, she paused to forage in some rather tasty looking grass outside a house in another parish. As she ripped out mouthful after mouthful of tasty grass, she did not notice the ground squirrel that was lounging in a particularly tall tuft of tasty grass and managed to bite the poor critter’s scraggly tail.
Squirrels, as a rule, are fairly timid creatures. But having one’s tail chomped on by some behemoth with overly large and ever so slightly buck teeth is enough to make anyone lose their ire. The poor rodent whirled about and bit the horse on her velvet nose. Screaming in pain and rage, the horse reared up, pawing at the air with her front feet. She twirled about, kicking and dancing, until one of her rear hooves hit the tree next to the house causing a cascade of acorns to fall from it onto the roof, along with one startled raccoon.
Scrabbling at the clay tiles with all four feet, the raccoon finally got a purchase with his claws and clambered up to the top of the roof, grabbing the chimney for safety.
One of the bricks on the crown of the chimney was loose from years of having its mortar baked in the summer sun and frozen in the winter snow and ice. The brick teetered for a few moments before tumbling down inside the flue and landing on one of the firedogs in the fireplace. An iron cross-piece was loose and was catapulted across the room, landing on one bench next to a mason jar. It tapped the side of the jar causing a crack. The crack ran up from the point of the impact to the lid and split apart the black Magyk seal that had been placed there years before, keeping the contents content (well, perhaps not content, but at the very least unable to do anything about its discontent) to remain within. With an evil hissing sound, the occupant of the jar took advantage of the lapse in containment and swirled out in a black mist, congealing into a large humanoid form. He stood there for a few moments, shaking out his long white hair while blinking his steel-gray eyes as he realized what had happened.
“I’m free!” mused the evil wizard ’Lou. A hideous grin spread across his face. “Now to go settle accounts with that simpering twit, Binyamin.”
Are you dead yet?